First Month Down

Another long delay in entries; and I really wish I could write more - I have done so much already!

Our first big event asides from the small road/ruck marches was the CS gas chamber. Asides from getting hurt while here the gas chamber was probably my greatest fear! I made it through though and it really wasn't as bad as I had gotten myself worked up over. The worse part of it all was it felt like a TERRIBLE sunburn on my skin. It was of course difficult to breath when we had to remove our gas masks, and it burned my throat some/made my nose run but I had imagined it'd be much much worse. The next event we did was the warrior tower, a 30-ft repel tower we had to get down (after climbing up it first of course). I was pretty freaked/nervous initially with the whole height aspect but it was so much fun - quite an adrenaline rush. I also was actually chosen to be interviewed by the local/post newspaper and was given a copy when it came out, so that was pretty neat! We have also done  the bayonet course, and the "team building" or obstacle course.

We have currently entered out "white phase" of training which is also our weapons training and qualification period. We have already started our BRM (Basic Rifle Marksmanship) and I feel okay about qualifying, but I am definitely not too over confident! I am really looking forward to Thursday night when we'll be preparing to leave and have a two week break over Christmas and New Years.

I cannot wait to get home and see C, of course I'll be excited to see family and other friends as well but well..yeah. I'm getting pretty ADD, so I'll back off of the rambling for now. Until later...

Three Weeks Later..

Yes, three weeks later I am just not getting around to another entry. I wish the time gap wasn't so long, because there is plenty to write about, but no real time! Today is Thanksgiving and while it didn't of course feel like a holiday, it wasn't too bad either. I am thankful to be able to attend a church service every Sunday, the process and purpose is also a good break for me mentally, allowing me to regroup for the next long week ahead each week. I'm very grateful for my "unofficial" battle buddy ("unofficial" because we are actually assigned to another person) ML - she is my closest friend here. She is from WV and cool as all get out! Overall things here are difficult from time to time, but also lots of fun at the same time. I hope to write more, and with more detail as I get more time to do so.

I don't really consider myself to be a homebody, but so far my biggest struggle here is just being apart from everyone I love back home. I miss my friends and family, I miss C more every day and sometimes I just feel guilty. It's different than when someone just moves away or to college or something because communication is restricted, even if we do get it - it's not enough!

DS Davis is on CQ duty tonight, so I really need to get to bed before I get caught and in trouble..

It has begun...

Wow - it has been forever since an update, but what can be expected now that the Army controls my every living breath. What better to do then than write a journal entry at 0335 during CQ duty..?

This is only my "real" first night here at Ft. Leonard Wood but I feel like I have been here for a week. The first night I arrived wasn't all as bad as I had expected it to be. It sucked when they made us dump our bags we had brought - I didn't care about that, but when I had forgotten to get some stuff out of one of the pockets so the Drill Sergent yelled at me, asked if I was trying to hide stuff. That was a no - believe me, I want to stay under the radar not stand out. I was mad that they took and simply threw away my unopened vitamins and Bengay pain patches, I mean if we can't have them - got it - but they stored away our other personal stuff, why throw the new stuff out why not keep it away for later and give it back when we can have it?! Quick first impression break down - Female DS's SUCK. The males on the other hand, which I thought I'd be more frightening aren't really bad at all - almost nice!? Example: DS Scott (female) woke up our entire bay tonight because the Fire Guard wasn't hadn't/weren't doing what they were assigned to do when she came in for a walk through.

I was personally yelled at for the first time today too...claimed I was talking in the chow line but it didn't bother me too much because well I was the only one the DS directed his comments to, and something tells me I wasn't going crazy and just talking to myself....?

I'm sure I could write more and more for days at a time, but I'm so tired and I gotta figure out how to keep myself awake!!

Again, some space between updates, and this is just a short one, but its mostly because I'm not sure how or what to say...
I am literally 3wks and a day away from leaving for MO, and _ _ _ _ _ _  decided to "dump" me. I had to get some of my emotions and reaction out of the way, so I texted ___, and as expected they were able to make me feel better as always. They told me what someone should have brought to my attention a long time ago: That is is NOT my fault that so many people decided they have the need to walk out on me in my life. _ _ _ _ _ _, _ _ _ _ _ _, _ _ _ _, _ _ _...just to name a few. And that as much time as I spend bending over backwards over and over again for these people is a waste of my time and life. -- Why couldn't I see that? _____ called and kept telling me they didn't know what to say, but it's fine, all I needed was them and even the littlest things said made all the difference to me personally...


That's all for now, and I really need and could use some extra sleep tonight so...

It's been a hot minute..

So a lot has happened since I last put in a update. After my drill weekend, I of course still didn't get hardly any hours at the theater. I worked Tuesday, Friday, and Saturday that week and then this week all I got was a morning shift on Sunday, and a partial shift for Saturday. Last Friday, the 25th, I got off work and found my car had been broken into, and my purse stolen. Thanks to work not supplying a secure place for our belongings, and not allowing us to keep our purses in the cabinets below our work station for the shift, my only option was to keep my stuff locked up in my car. I was figuring and hoping it would be safe enough, you could never see my stuff, especially since I was also working a night shift so it was dark, but stupid me - I was wrong. I lost EVERYTHING. I lost all my cards and cash - mostly from my birthday the weekend before, all my gift cards and my glasses too! The total damage just from my purse and belongings was about $525! You don't realize the worth of the little things until you loose them and need a tally for a police report. I was, and still am to a certain extent devastated, I've never had to experience that type of fear of vulnerability, nor have I felt just simply violated. My hope was crushed even more when I realized the insurance my dad had on the car didn't cover anything or the replacement (cash value ect) of anything asides from the broken window. I'm coping better now, but of course there was nothing the police were able to find or recover, and it just HAD to be misty/rainy weather than night so fingerprints and all were a bust. No blood with the broken window either, just my luck. Guess what ya'll, it's not like the TV shows where there's always at least one small piece of incriminating evidence. (no I didn't think it was like tv, I'm not silly like that, just some commentary. haha)Anywho, I did appreciate the attempt they made to still process my car. T was able to fix my window for me fairly quickly so that was a relief to have out of the way. R was also able to drive me and keep me company to replace my bank cards, and drivers license, ect. Needless to say, what could be quickly and semi-effectively replaced was taken care of asap.

My biggest fear now is that in 33 days I will be leaving to being another chapter in my life and begin my Army training! And I am scared, more so than just "nervous," scared just feels like the right term. I'm worried about leaving friends and family of course, but leaving C, is going to kill me. I just already miss being apart from him so much, more and more each day I miss him...but my pain and sorrow from being away I'll save for another day.

Look Out NC Army NG ...

Well, I had my first Drill Weekend and I guess I survived. I don't remember the last time I have felt this physically worn out, but I am sure BCT (Basic Combat Training) will be much worse. Saturday was mostly classroom with some Drill & Ceremony practice. We learned a couple commands and  the  necessary basics for formations. The food was gross, and as "red phase" indivduals we saw what happened first hand if PT scores are no good. I know feel even more self-concious about being able to meet standards. C has offered to help me perpare in anyway possible but I really think I'd be embarressed at my poor preformance. I think the biggest obsticle I will have to overcome is my mind - the self doubt I keep having. Itis overwhelming ans stressful more times than not, but I haven't figured out how to rid myself of it yet. Anyways, after drill ended on Saturday, my arms and neck have never had that kind of pain and tension from remaining in formal positions all day, even an "at ease" stance is fixed and stiff. Later R, and family came over to celebrate some birthday festivities, I stayed up too late and felt the repercussion of it today. I did alright in the morning portion of drill, but the afternoon was a killer. Overall, the drill weekend was a great experiecne and a good education opportunity on the Army ways; I am grateful for it! I will get to drill one more time in October, before I ship out on November 3rd!

Note to self: GET IN FREAKING SHAPE FAST! ughhhh

Have you ever been dumped..?

Okay, well I don't mean by your boyfriend or girlfriend. Who has ever actually been dumped by the one person you felt connected to, or you thought was the best of friends then the next thing you know; all out of the blue - BANG!

You've been dumped.

Kinda a strange concept, but I believe it happens more than we think. I've had to deal with that, and not just once but I actually have been through it twice now (same individual).

And honestly, it hurts - even the second time around. I tend to be a generous and caring individual. And that is what happened to me, I was kind and compassionate and decided I would give someone a second chance. They apologized for the way they treated me and I was slowly feeling more confident being on good terms would come around sooner than later - and next thing I know, because I have offended them in some shape or form, they were willing to throw all the hard work away a SECOND TIME. (I guess they really weren't ever sorry or really cared - fool me once shame on you, but fool me twice, and shame on me!)

You see, I will confront people when I have been wronged or felt I have been wronged by them, but don't confuse that with me being a "bitchy" person. I just feel that as an adult I should be able to approach someone with a question or concern the rightfully involves me and recieve a grown-up response. (I mean in my last post remember those people who argue "I'm older" which automatically means they are more mature?) It is those same people who refuse to discuss and handle "problems" as adults. What is even more ironic is the fact that really there was never an issue until someone decided they don't want to actually handle a situation as an adult - then all of a sudden the one who did the confronting becomes this "child" who does nothing but create DRAMA?! (Funny thing - no drama would occur if people would just get whatever it is over with.) I mean the thing with drama is that, usually the people who "hate" it or "can't stand" it are the ones who bring it upon themselves.

If you have an issue or are upset with someone. TALK to them about it. Don't go ignore them when they try to talk to you, don't go delete or block them of a social networking site, because then all you are asking for is to be confronted by someone rather than being the one to confront. You know if you can't handle confrontation as an adult among your peers, then how do you expect to survive in the real world, in the work force where your boss and co-workers are going to be constantly confronting you and guess what!!? They might hurt your feelings - I'm sorry it just comes with the territory.

Sure, confrontation is hard, it hurts, and many times people don't do it because they are too concerned and wrapped up in themselves to put a part of them out there. Fear I believe is the number one characteristic which keeps people from confronting issues they have. Why? Because they are too scared that they might offend someone (whether intentionally or unintentionally). Or people become afraid it might cause a strain on familial or friendship relations. But you know, there comes a time in everyone's life when they need to learn to be able to fend for themselves. Unfortunately in today's society you can't always count on someone being there, even family in some instances. You have to learn to be able to stand on your own two feet, and be able to support yourself. This isn't a negative thing, and it doesn't mean you won't find that one person who will stand by you for the rest of your life, but if you can't be "independent" your never going to survive being "dependant" on other people.

Trust is a great component, but you have to be able to trust yourself as well first. So know this, the only two people you can trust 100% 24/7 is yourself, and God. Sure, friends and families and spouses ect - they can be trusted, but NO ONE is perfect, even yourself, so there will be times of trial, hurt, and when you will be let down. However, instead of feeling orry for yourself, why don't you use that and make something good come from it!

Age is just a number.

Over the past year or so, there has been this reoccurring issue that has not only really irritated me, but shows just how immature and insecure people are. Have you ever heard the argument that goes a little something like this; "Well I am older" or "because of my age" then "I therefore need to be the responsible one." OR my personal irritation is well because "you are only such-and-such an age then you're not mature enough to understand" or "it doesn't concern you."

Life is not measure by your years in age, but rather the experiences you have. You grow and mature based off of what you deal with not because you reach a certain age. Just because I am 19, versus someone who is 23 or 25 does NOT mean I am a "child."I am SICK and TIRED of people using age as a label for people.

If you know me, you know that I have been through, and dealt with more than anyone my age should have to go through. We all have our tough times in life, and we all have the pain from our path to deal with. We all have mistakes, we all have regrets. However, everyone's experiences and troubles are more significant to them than they might be to an outsider looking in. Just because you may think something I have gone through can't even begin to compare to what you suffered at some point in your life does NOT make my experiences or obstacles any less significant, nor does it make yours any more significant.

I will not sit here and make an argument or lash out that when you label someone based on age, that in return actually makes yourself childish, because then that really has served no one any purpose but instead puts me right onto your level of immaturity.

I REFUSE to become the kind of person who lives one way but says another; unlike some people I know who talk one way, and turn into everything they say they are against. It's painful for me to watch genuinely good people turn into and become the type of person they "hate" and don't want to be like, and then see just how completely blinded they become to the point where even when it is pointed out to them they cannot see it, and then therefore, everyone else becomes the "terrible" individual.

Welcome to my life without walls...

So I don't mean to get this started as jumping on a "bandwagon" but I actually was required to keep a journal either by hand or online for one of my classes when I was at Erskine College and recently I have realized how much I missed keeping up with this thing. I have never been the type to "keep a diary" but when I took it seriously as an assignment, I became pretty attached and I am hoping to pick it back up again.

To start, I am going to be re-posting the posts I made from a previous blog so that if anyone is reading this, they can see where I am coming from. There is a SIGNIFICANT gap between the last post from my previous blog and where this one will take off, however I still feel like I should include past entries (even though they will be out of order).

For those who decided to read this blog: I will give no disclaimer and I will make no apologies. While this is a public outlet for all to view, by choosing to read what I write that is your personal decision. I will be 100% open and honest in this blog, and will try to limit name usage. However, if you become offended, again no apologies; but maybe it will make you think - until you can resolve your personal issues with what I write that may bother you, take a leave of absence from reading - I won't miss you, and I won't stop writing. This is not to make myself feel better by trying to keep tabs on how many "hits" my blog receives so don't think attitude from you or anyone else is going to effect me in anyway.