Never Back Down...

I know it has been awhile since I have had any decent/significant posts - or what most would classify as pertinent posts - but since I lost Lexi there have been MANY other things going on in my life that unfortunately have kept me from blogging.

On the bright side I just got to celebrate a birthday surrounded by GREAT FRIENDS who appreciate me for who I am and don't have glorified false expectations about who I should be, how I should act, or more significantly how they BELIEVE I NEED to act towards them and don't try to define our friendships on a selfish scale.

Also, Sunday I will be done with my first degree in school finishing up with a fairly decent GPA. It's an accomplishment and stepping stone in life and in my educational goals. Yay! haha

Finally, I do hope to get back to the blogging life - I love the outlet it gives me to express myself, feelings, and thoughts and as always I will continue to do so without caring what others think or say. I KNOW that there are those out there who read this blog just to "keep tabs" on my life or so they have some kind of gossip to talk about with their "best friends" even though there is a claim to not ever care about what I have to say. If you don't care about what I have to say, or what my thoughts are, or care to read about the meals I make or whatever then just stop - but some can't - its an addiction: my life that is. Sorry it's not more entertaining for you or  that you can't have it....

the one thing I will NEVER do : I WILL NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR TELLING THE TRUTH.

Some might argue that truth is relative - or want to to deny the "truth" I tell - unfortunately if anyone pays attention to the grounds and evidence the truth I speak about is based on -- well then people will know who actually knows and can face the reality of these truths and has no problem exposing the fraudulent stories that have been spread.....

Nothing New...

D.R.A.M.A. - (D)esperately (R)eaching (A)fter (M)ore (A)ttention.


A person hates you for 1 of 3 reasons. 1) They want to be you. 2) They hate themselves. 3) They see you as a threat.

 

In loving memory

Tuesday August 16, 2011 -- I lost my baby girl, Lexi.

I arrived home from work a little before 5pm. I came in to find my dog laying in a corner shaking like she does when there is a thunderstorm - so I knew she was spooked but didn't find to super strange. What worried me was when I went to coax her out she wouldn't come. Finally, I grabbed her leash to see if I could get her outside to go to the bathroom and when I did so I noticed something was wrong. Lexi was favoring her right front paw and it would only touch the ground if she was laying down. She wouldn't put any weight on it when she would go to "try" and walk even if she was just sitting she held it back. I became a little panicky and nervous because she had been inside all day and never has any problems or acted hurt, AND she showed no real reaction when I went to touch the "hurt" paw. When I reached a vet they told me to bring her in as soon as I could and that there would be a vet "on call" for emergencies I could see before he left for the night.

Once we arrived to the vet Lexi was extremely skiddish and nervous, more so than an average dog, but the way she reacted wasn't abnormal for her. When we were finally in with the vet he took a look and noticed she has a real red and open sore on her foot from where she had excessively been licking and chewing at her paw. (PREFACE: my dog had REAL sensitive skin and allergies so it would get irritated time to time - again she never showed any abnormal signs of reactions to any of it)
The vet gave her two injections - one to help with any possible bacteria from her "licking wounds" and a shot of cortisone to help ease her desire to lick and bite at her own skin..Along with this he prescribed some shampoo, some medicated lotion, and an antibiotic - she seemed to be doing better we checked out and headed home.

We currently only live literally 2-3 minutes from the vet we saw, and the vet our puppy Max sees. As we were turning into the townhouse complex where we are currently living - I turned to see Lexi preparing to vomit. Lexi has never liked cars but she also has never had any kind of motion sickness or vomited in a car so I knew this was weird. I also remember thinking it looks like she is almost "convulsing" before she vomited - it was the first and really only word to describe what I was seeing but it wasn't anything violent or disturbing I just knew something was wrong.

As we got to the house and parked I was getting back on the phone trying to reach the vet to make sure everything was alright and this was potentially a normal reaction to one of the shots she had received. (Meanwhile C was working to get Lexi out of the truck come to find out he laid her on the ground - she had gone COMPLETELY limp) He [the vet] said it was okay, it might have been a reaction just watch her and if she gets sick again or anything changes to call him back - I had barely hung up the phone when things all of a sudden got worse. Lexi had appeared to now - after vomiting and her breathing/panting was loud and rapid/irregular - lost control of her bowel movements - she was laying eyes open barely appearing to "be there" covered in vomit and well you get it - and it started to smell funny - more than an average dog poop.

I lost it, we didn't know what was happening - C called the vet who said to clean her up best we can at get right back to the vet. So we did. We had to place a towel under Lexi and lift her as if she were on a stretcher to get her back into the truck. We kept her on that towel for the ride - no change - got to the vet had to bring her inside the same way. One she was in the exam room I had to excuse myself for a minute because I was barely hanging on - here is my baby girl - like a child to me - laying helplessly, limply in the vet office and I can't do a thing for her. As I came back into the exam room I heard the word seizure - I don't remember who said it, and I didn't hear the conversation but the vet had at that point left the room because of another arrival of an emergency - in came someone to stay with us and Lexi - at that point after some attempts by her to have supportive conversing I realized that Lexi was actually in the middle of experiencing a seizure - and it could last up to 30 minutes or longer with really nothing we could do for her.

When Lexi started to come too the next step was to make sure we got her temp to come down as well (she came back in with 104.8 we left after she hovered right over 102) she began to drop initially then hover so they brought in ice packs and covered her with them to try and accelerate the lowering of her temperature. Once she began to be more alert and act more normal everyone thought she was out of the woods. The vet attributed the seizure to being overwhelmed with anxiety and a high temperature. So after she showed signs of improvement he sent us on our way, told us to keep her cool and calm in a dim area because her eyes were still slightly dilated and to make sure to call him if anything else happened.

We got home at this point a little before 8pm. We laid Lexi down in the kitchen where the tile was cool and so she would have easy access to her water and food (if wanted) when she began to get her strength back. For a good 10 minutes or so Lexi really didn't show any signs of getting better or back to normal. We assumed her poor muscles were exhausted from the seizure and it was just going to take time. She'd start to try lifting her head and it would fall back (we made sure to get a towel there so she wasn't banging it against the floor) so we knew her muscle strength just wasn't there yet. Max, he came and laid in the kitchen with her and at one point she even was able to lift and hold her head up long enough for some water and we thought she was going to be just fine - a little more time and she'd be okay - tired, but okay.

We we wrong. Lexi appeared to be fine, her breathing/panting was no longer labored just normal but she started to get that dazed look again but more sleepy not open eyes like earlier with her seizure - next thing we know there is this terrible smell - Lexi lost her bowels again and the concern this second time was the amount that came from her and because it was a reddish tint - I thought she was bleeding. I immediately called the vet again to let him know what happened - he said if she's still somewhat responsive clean her up, keep an eye on her and bring her in again fist ting in the morning for some tests - it was another seizure and unfortunately we would just have to wait for her to "come to." Again, not as soon as I had hung up the phone Lexi got worse - she had become unconscious. She was now almost cold and clammy to touch - real pale coloring in her mouth and her jaw was locked. The ONLY sign of life was her breathing. Again I was in a pure panic - she had lost consciousness and was having a second seizure - I knew this wasn't right - this wasn't good - so C called the vet he told us to meet him back at the office it would take him about 15 min but he would be there.

We once again got Lexi cleaned up and using a towel as a stretcher got her into the truck. We got to the vet and just sat there praying she'd wake up or come out of it while we waiting for the vet to arrive. Once he arrived we got her inside and he had us skip the exam room and take her straight into the back and put her on a table. He gave her a shot of Epinephrine to get her heart going and bring her to - she had no real reaction to her shot. He decided the next best thing was to get her on oxygen and start an IV of fluids to keep her hydrated and okay until she came out of this seizure. At this point he told us there was nothing much we could do - leave her here over night he would care for her and come back in the morning. He did inform us before we left that the prognosis wasn't looking good, and to be prepared - he would do all that he could - but come morning she might not make it.

That's it - I lost it. Here is my dog - my PUPPY not even three years old yet hanging on to dear life and I have to leave her - helpless and hooked to up to machines and an IV. Forget any chance of sleep just tears and pure agony/anxiety for morning to come. We got back home this time about 10pm - I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep - I felt so numb. Everywhere I looked reminded me of her - I slept in short bursts nothing to really qualify as sleep - if my eyes were closed I was dreaming of her, if I was awake I could only think of her. I was full of anxiety fear and tears...

I woke up about 745am from my last attempt at sleep - I got up and began to get ready for the day - almost excited at 9am we were to be at the vet for Lexi, and neither my nor C's phone had rung with that dreaded call from the vet that Lexi hadn't made it. I thought positive thoughts too soon.

As I was upstairs finishing up getting ready I head C's phone ring .. I froze, my heart stopped. I ran out and downstairs to ask if that was the vet. He said "no" - RELIEF. I got back upstairs finish getting ready - what I didn't know is that the number that called C was one he didn't recognize but they left a voice-mail and at this point he was listening to it. I come down stairs C is now up getting ready for what I assumed - like myself so we could go pick my my Lexi, my baby girl! I sat on the couch anxiously awaiting so we could go....

C came into the living room and sat down next to me. He only said 4 words - "I have bad news" - that was it I was already gone before he finished uttering those words and I was a mess. I couldn't think, couldn't function my world was crumbling down - how could she be gone? What went wrong? She was too young. She was never sick. Why were there no warning signs? We were SO CLOSE to bringing her back home! Questions and confusion filled my mind. "I want to go." I told C I wanted to go with him to see the doctor and hear what happened. (part of me wishes I never went, part of me is glad I had the strength to go)

I gathered myself best I could and our two minute commute felt like two hours... I feel like we had to sit in the waiting room for hours with the poor vet assistants and receptionists looking at us with so much pity - part of me didn't care - part of me didn't want to even continue attempting to hold myself together. A nurse/assistant (I don't know what their job titles are) came to get us she handed me Lexi's pink collar, we went into the vet's office. He proceeded to explain that Lexi did recover from the seizure she was having when we left, even got up to look around (all I could think of was her looking for me and scared when she thought she was all alone) but then a third seizure hit, and despite his effort the vet couldn't save her - she had passed away...

I still don't know how I am - I am in shock - I don't understand and the vet cannot provide answers. I keep hoping I am going to wake up and this is all just a nightmare-but there is the part of me still here in reality that knows it's not going to happen. With time C and I will be okay - we will get past everything, but as with any kind of grief the only thing that is going to help in the long run will be time.

I greatly appreciate EVERYONE'S kind words and the thoughts and prayers for myself and C during this difficult time. Some have asked - there really isn't anything specific anyone can do - but the offers are appreciated and if you feel the desire to do anything we wont ask for it but you won't be turned away either. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the care, concern, and understanding people have provided........

New Endeavors

So in my last post when I said there wasn't too much new going on in life - well I failed to mention on small aspect that is beiginning to hopefully pick up pace in my life and that is my new endeavor as an entrepreneur!

See, about a 15 months ago when I came home from basic training for the Army (National Guard) I was introduced and tried a product which gave me outstanding results in only 45 minutes! I personally couldn't believe it..I had just spent the last 5-6 months of getting my butt kicked with the Army and I get home and this product was still able in 45 minutes to shed almost 2 full inches off my waist/mid section. I had a hard time believing it but it worked! As I got more interested and knowledgeable on the company and the products is provides I was hooked. I didn't become very vocal about it because I wasn't sure how some people would react, but with the people I did share it with seemed to have some interest.

And this is why I am now sharing it with anyone who will listen! I have made the decision to become even more involved in this company as a distributor. I want people to see how these products work, I want people to know about the benefits a results offered, and I want people to know that it really does work!

If you are interested in learning more about the company and the products offered or have 45 minutes to spare  so that I can SHOW you how to lose a few inches and possibly pounds in the long run - then PLEASE contact me ASAP.

Even those of you who do not leave near me or out of state - you can still still contact me and we will get you educated because I get get you hooked up with someone closer to your hear and even set up an order if interested all over the phone!

Another great thing to keep in minds is the benefits and extra $$$ you SAVE by becoming a Loyal Customer of mine. If you don't know what being a loyal customer entails please also ask me about that as well...the chance for free shipping FOR LIFE is available to loyal customers as well as other savings for those interested.

Please visit my site, call or email/message me to learn more or with any questions:

www.getmysexyback.net

TO BEING HEALTHY!

 

It's been awhile..

So it has been a good chunk of time since my last post, and for no real particular reason asides from a busy life.

I found a new job that I know I am going to enjoy MUCH more than my last job. I actually never "disliked" my previous job here in TN, there just happened to be some mis-communication which resulted in me needing to find something new and I found something entirely different but its much more physically demanding (for now until I settle in a little more) and so much more fast paced. I enjoy it still the same, I like the fast pace, I like the interaction with many different people throughout my day and it's the first job in a LONG time where I don't come home angry or stressed out every night dreading my next day!

As for outside work, life hasn't been too crazy. Max is getting bigger by the minute and at only 5 months he is close to 60 lbs - which is almost as heavy as Lexi!! He has started getting more "puppy" energy seeings as how for the first few months we had him he was very laid back, and chill. We thought uh oh we will have to work to get him enough exercise because he never plays! He has, however, become so much more active and while we are happy to see that sometimes it can be overwhelming when he gets those huge energy burst at the end of the day when all mom and dad want to do is chill out!

Finally, asides from work and the fur-babies we have its a pretty average life. Both C and I work each day (I still have some schooling to finished up and get through but after working and going to school full time for the last year and a half I'm slowing it down a bit.. ) we come home, enjoy each other's company, eat dinner, go to sleep and repeat the next day. We do both very much enjoy getting together with the great friends we have here and look forward to taking the advantage of having the turn to host friends and parties/get-together's when the chances arises.

Asides from that there is nothing too exciting left to talk about/mention - I do have some rants and raves of the usual kind, you know: the liars and hypocrites and backstabbing - but I'm in a rather good mood and you can only beat a dead horse for so long (or at least until a fire is lit under me again) .. and we will hopefully have word of some exciting news here in the near future so I am not going to ruin my mood or day on other peoples pettiness!!