Never Back Down...

I know it has been awhile since I have had any decent/significant posts - or what most would classify as pertinent posts - but since I lost Lexi there have been MANY other things going on in my life that unfortunately have kept me from blogging.

On the bright side I just got to celebrate a birthday surrounded by GREAT FRIENDS who appreciate me for who I am and don't have glorified false expectations about who I should be, how I should act, or more significantly how they BELIEVE I NEED to act towards them and don't try to define our friendships on a selfish scale.

Also, Sunday I will be done with my first degree in school finishing up with a fairly decent GPA. It's an accomplishment and stepping stone in life and in my educational goals. Yay! haha

Finally, I do hope to get back to the blogging life - I love the outlet it gives me to express myself, feelings, and thoughts and as always I will continue to do so without caring what others think or say. I KNOW that there are those out there who read this blog just to "keep tabs" on my life or so they have some kind of gossip to talk about with their "best friends" even though there is a claim to not ever care about what I have to say. If you don't care about what I have to say, or what my thoughts are, or care to read about the meals I make or whatever then just stop - but some can't - its an addiction: my life that is. Sorry it's not more entertaining for you or  that you can't have it....

the one thing I will NEVER do : I WILL NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR TELLING THE TRUTH.

Some might argue that truth is relative - or want to to deny the "truth" I tell - unfortunately if anyone pays attention to the grounds and evidence the truth I speak about is based on -- well then people will know who actually knows and can face the reality of these truths and has no problem exposing the fraudulent stories that have been spread.....

Nothing New...

D.R.A.M.A. - (D)esperately (R)eaching (A)fter (M)ore (A)ttention.


A person hates you for 1 of 3 reasons. 1) They want to be you. 2) They hate themselves. 3) They see you as a threat.

 

In loving memory

Tuesday August 16, 2011 -- I lost my baby girl, Lexi.

I arrived home from work a little before 5pm. I came in to find my dog laying in a corner shaking like she does when there is a thunderstorm - so I knew she was spooked but didn't find to super strange. What worried me was when I went to coax her out she wouldn't come. Finally, I grabbed her leash to see if I could get her outside to go to the bathroom and when I did so I noticed something was wrong. Lexi was favoring her right front paw and it would only touch the ground if she was laying down. She wouldn't put any weight on it when she would go to "try" and walk even if she was just sitting she held it back. I became a little panicky and nervous because she had been inside all day and never has any problems or acted hurt, AND she showed no real reaction when I went to touch the "hurt" paw. When I reached a vet they told me to bring her in as soon as I could and that there would be a vet "on call" for emergencies I could see before he left for the night.

Once we arrived to the vet Lexi was extremely skiddish and nervous, more so than an average dog, but the way she reacted wasn't abnormal for her. When we were finally in with the vet he took a look and noticed she has a real red and open sore on her foot from where she had excessively been licking and chewing at her paw. (PREFACE: my dog had REAL sensitive skin and allergies so it would get irritated time to time - again she never showed any abnormal signs of reactions to any of it)
The vet gave her two injections - one to help with any possible bacteria from her "licking wounds" and a shot of cortisone to help ease her desire to lick and bite at her own skin..Along with this he prescribed some shampoo, some medicated lotion, and an antibiotic - she seemed to be doing better we checked out and headed home.

We currently only live literally 2-3 minutes from the vet we saw, and the vet our puppy Max sees. As we were turning into the townhouse complex where we are currently living - I turned to see Lexi preparing to vomit. Lexi has never liked cars but she also has never had any kind of motion sickness or vomited in a car so I knew this was weird. I also remember thinking it looks like she is almost "convulsing" before she vomited - it was the first and really only word to describe what I was seeing but it wasn't anything violent or disturbing I just knew something was wrong.

As we got to the house and parked I was getting back on the phone trying to reach the vet to make sure everything was alright and this was potentially a normal reaction to one of the shots she had received. (Meanwhile C was working to get Lexi out of the truck come to find out he laid her on the ground - she had gone COMPLETELY limp) He [the vet] said it was okay, it might have been a reaction just watch her and if she gets sick again or anything changes to call him back - I had barely hung up the phone when things all of a sudden got worse. Lexi had appeared to now - after vomiting and her breathing/panting was loud and rapid/irregular - lost control of her bowel movements - she was laying eyes open barely appearing to "be there" covered in vomit and well you get it - and it started to smell funny - more than an average dog poop.

I lost it, we didn't know what was happening - C called the vet who said to clean her up best we can at get right back to the vet. So we did. We had to place a towel under Lexi and lift her as if she were on a stretcher to get her back into the truck. We kept her on that towel for the ride - no change - got to the vet had to bring her inside the same way. One she was in the exam room I had to excuse myself for a minute because I was barely hanging on - here is my baby girl - like a child to me - laying helplessly, limply in the vet office and I can't do a thing for her. As I came back into the exam room I heard the word seizure - I don't remember who said it, and I didn't hear the conversation but the vet had at that point left the room because of another arrival of an emergency - in came someone to stay with us and Lexi - at that point after some attempts by her to have supportive conversing I realized that Lexi was actually in the middle of experiencing a seizure - and it could last up to 30 minutes or longer with really nothing we could do for her.

When Lexi started to come too the next step was to make sure we got her temp to come down as well (she came back in with 104.8 we left after she hovered right over 102) she began to drop initially then hover so they brought in ice packs and covered her with them to try and accelerate the lowering of her temperature. Once she began to be more alert and act more normal everyone thought she was out of the woods. The vet attributed the seizure to being overwhelmed with anxiety and a high temperature. So after she showed signs of improvement he sent us on our way, told us to keep her cool and calm in a dim area because her eyes were still slightly dilated and to make sure to call him if anything else happened.

We got home at this point a little before 8pm. We laid Lexi down in the kitchen where the tile was cool and so she would have easy access to her water and food (if wanted) when she began to get her strength back. For a good 10 minutes or so Lexi really didn't show any signs of getting better or back to normal. We assumed her poor muscles were exhausted from the seizure and it was just going to take time. She'd start to try lifting her head and it would fall back (we made sure to get a towel there so she wasn't banging it against the floor) so we knew her muscle strength just wasn't there yet. Max, he came and laid in the kitchen with her and at one point she even was able to lift and hold her head up long enough for some water and we thought she was going to be just fine - a little more time and she'd be okay - tired, but okay.

We we wrong. Lexi appeared to be fine, her breathing/panting was no longer labored just normal but she started to get that dazed look again but more sleepy not open eyes like earlier with her seizure - next thing we know there is this terrible smell - Lexi lost her bowels again and the concern this second time was the amount that came from her and because it was a reddish tint - I thought she was bleeding. I immediately called the vet again to let him know what happened - he said if she's still somewhat responsive clean her up, keep an eye on her and bring her in again fist ting in the morning for some tests - it was another seizure and unfortunately we would just have to wait for her to "come to." Again, not as soon as I had hung up the phone Lexi got worse - she had become unconscious. She was now almost cold and clammy to touch - real pale coloring in her mouth and her jaw was locked. The ONLY sign of life was her breathing. Again I was in a pure panic - she had lost consciousness and was having a second seizure - I knew this wasn't right - this wasn't good - so C called the vet he told us to meet him back at the office it would take him about 15 min but he would be there.

We once again got Lexi cleaned up and using a towel as a stretcher got her into the truck. We got to the vet and just sat there praying she'd wake up or come out of it while we waiting for the vet to arrive. Once he arrived we got her inside and he had us skip the exam room and take her straight into the back and put her on a table. He gave her a shot of Epinephrine to get her heart going and bring her to - she had no real reaction to her shot. He decided the next best thing was to get her on oxygen and start an IV of fluids to keep her hydrated and okay until she came out of this seizure. At this point he told us there was nothing much we could do - leave her here over night he would care for her and come back in the morning. He did inform us before we left that the prognosis wasn't looking good, and to be prepared - he would do all that he could - but come morning she might not make it.

That's it - I lost it. Here is my dog - my PUPPY not even three years old yet hanging on to dear life and I have to leave her - helpless and hooked to up to machines and an IV. Forget any chance of sleep just tears and pure agony/anxiety for morning to come. We got back home this time about 10pm - I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep - I felt so numb. Everywhere I looked reminded me of her - I slept in short bursts nothing to really qualify as sleep - if my eyes were closed I was dreaming of her, if I was awake I could only think of her. I was full of anxiety fear and tears...

I woke up about 745am from my last attempt at sleep - I got up and began to get ready for the day - almost excited at 9am we were to be at the vet for Lexi, and neither my nor C's phone had rung with that dreaded call from the vet that Lexi hadn't made it. I thought positive thoughts too soon.

As I was upstairs finishing up getting ready I head C's phone ring .. I froze, my heart stopped. I ran out and downstairs to ask if that was the vet. He said "no" - RELIEF. I got back upstairs finish getting ready - what I didn't know is that the number that called C was one he didn't recognize but they left a voice-mail and at this point he was listening to it. I come down stairs C is now up getting ready for what I assumed - like myself so we could go pick my my Lexi, my baby girl! I sat on the couch anxiously awaiting so we could go....

C came into the living room and sat down next to me. He only said 4 words - "I have bad news" - that was it I was already gone before he finished uttering those words and I was a mess. I couldn't think, couldn't function my world was crumbling down - how could she be gone? What went wrong? She was too young. She was never sick. Why were there no warning signs? We were SO CLOSE to bringing her back home! Questions and confusion filled my mind. "I want to go." I told C I wanted to go with him to see the doctor and hear what happened. (part of me wishes I never went, part of me is glad I had the strength to go)

I gathered myself best I could and our two minute commute felt like two hours... I feel like we had to sit in the waiting room for hours with the poor vet assistants and receptionists looking at us with so much pity - part of me didn't care - part of me didn't want to even continue attempting to hold myself together. A nurse/assistant (I don't know what their job titles are) came to get us she handed me Lexi's pink collar, we went into the vet's office. He proceeded to explain that Lexi did recover from the seizure she was having when we left, even got up to look around (all I could think of was her looking for me and scared when she thought she was all alone) but then a third seizure hit, and despite his effort the vet couldn't save her - she had passed away...

I still don't know how I am - I am in shock - I don't understand and the vet cannot provide answers. I keep hoping I am going to wake up and this is all just a nightmare-but there is the part of me still here in reality that knows it's not going to happen. With time C and I will be okay - we will get past everything, but as with any kind of grief the only thing that is going to help in the long run will be time.

I greatly appreciate EVERYONE'S kind words and the thoughts and prayers for myself and C during this difficult time. Some have asked - there really isn't anything specific anyone can do - but the offers are appreciated and if you feel the desire to do anything we wont ask for it but you won't be turned away either. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the care, concern, and understanding people have provided........

New Endeavors

So in my last post when I said there wasn't too much new going on in life - well I failed to mention on small aspect that is beiginning to hopefully pick up pace in my life and that is my new endeavor as an entrepreneur!

See, about a 15 months ago when I came home from basic training for the Army (National Guard) I was introduced and tried a product which gave me outstanding results in only 45 minutes! I personally couldn't believe it..I had just spent the last 5-6 months of getting my butt kicked with the Army and I get home and this product was still able in 45 minutes to shed almost 2 full inches off my waist/mid section. I had a hard time believing it but it worked! As I got more interested and knowledgeable on the company and the products is provides I was hooked. I didn't become very vocal about it because I wasn't sure how some people would react, but with the people I did share it with seemed to have some interest.

And this is why I am now sharing it with anyone who will listen! I have made the decision to become even more involved in this company as a distributor. I want people to see how these products work, I want people to know about the benefits a results offered, and I want people to know that it really does work!

If you are interested in learning more about the company and the products offered or have 45 minutes to spare  so that I can SHOW you how to lose a few inches and possibly pounds in the long run - then PLEASE contact me ASAP.

Even those of you who do not leave near me or out of state - you can still still contact me and we will get you educated because I get get you hooked up with someone closer to your hear and even set up an order if interested all over the phone!

Another great thing to keep in minds is the benefits and extra $$$ you SAVE by becoming a Loyal Customer of mine. If you don't know what being a loyal customer entails please also ask me about that as well...the chance for free shipping FOR LIFE is available to loyal customers as well as other savings for those interested.

Please visit my site, call or email/message me to learn more or with any questions:

www.getmysexyback.net

TO BEING HEALTHY!

 

It's been awhile..

So it has been a good chunk of time since my last post, and for no real particular reason asides from a busy life.

I found a new job that I know I am going to enjoy MUCH more than my last job. I actually never "disliked" my previous job here in TN, there just happened to be some mis-communication which resulted in me needing to find something new and I found something entirely different but its much more physically demanding (for now until I settle in a little more) and so much more fast paced. I enjoy it still the same, I like the fast pace, I like the interaction with many different people throughout my day and it's the first job in a LONG time where I don't come home angry or stressed out every night dreading my next day!

As for outside work, life hasn't been too crazy. Max is getting bigger by the minute and at only 5 months he is close to 60 lbs - which is almost as heavy as Lexi!! He has started getting more "puppy" energy seeings as how for the first few months we had him he was very laid back, and chill. We thought uh oh we will have to work to get him enough exercise because he never plays! He has, however, become so much more active and while we are happy to see that sometimes it can be overwhelming when he gets those huge energy burst at the end of the day when all mom and dad want to do is chill out!

Finally, asides from work and the fur-babies we have its a pretty average life. Both C and I work each day (I still have some schooling to finished up and get through but after working and going to school full time for the last year and a half I'm slowing it down a bit.. ) we come home, enjoy each other's company, eat dinner, go to sleep and repeat the next day. We do both very much enjoy getting together with the great friends we have here and look forward to taking the advantage of having the turn to host friends and parties/get-together's when the chances arises.

Asides from that there is nothing too exciting left to talk about/mention - I do have some rants and raves of the usual kind, you know: the liars and hypocrites and backstabbing - but I'm in a rather good mood and you can only beat a dead horse for so long (or at least until a fire is lit under me again) .. and we will hopefully have word of some exciting news here in the near future so I am not going to ruin my mood or day on other peoples pettiness!!

C&K: Our Story

I realize that not all who care to know may not actually know the love story between myself and C. However, it has also come to my attention previously and I was lately reminded again, that some people have been told a falsified version of this "love story." So for those who might be interested I am here to set the record straight and tell the true story of how I met the love of my life.

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It all began back in 2008. I was in my Senior year of high school, in the midst of soccer season, worked an after school night/weekend job and was about a month away from graduation when my life made a significant change for the best. At the time I had a GREAT friend. We often hung out together and did everything together. We were best friends or I believed that at the time. I learned that April there was an older sibling (a boy) of this friend for whatever unknown (still) reason I'm not sure why I never "knew" about him. Either I missed it in a conversation once and it was never a discussion since or it was simply as I believed never really mentioned but perhaps in passing. Well I was informed that he was going to be in town for two weeks visiting her and her family on his R&R "leave" from his current deployment with the Army to Afghanistan. I took that as an understanding I may not see her as often as I normally had, but that was not problem I totally understood her wanting to spend that short time with her brother and family.

To make a long story and description short, she invited me over one night to hang out, I showed up in jeans, a hoodie, and my glasses after a soccer practice one night and much to my surprise her brother was there at the apartment and that was our first introduction to one another. And as expected like in more stories "the rest was history."

I learned later that night after I left that her brother had chosen to stick around that night because he had heard her talk about me and she had shown him pictures and he was attracted to me and interested in meeting me. And so that night was the beginning of the matchmaking turn relationship to occur over the next 14ish days.

 (Yes, it did happen super fast and most people would think especially for such a decision to be made it might seem absurd or unreal or flat out CRAZY but here I am more than three years later sharing my love story...)

So after that first night we met, I was kind of surprised and shocked that this guy had taken a liking to me. ME? really, WHY? is what I had to ask. Throughout the rest of his two weeks in America we spent every minute we could together. I would go by after school/soccer/ and work were finished for the day so I could spend time at the apartment not only with him but his sister, MY FRIEND as well. Over this time our interest in each other grew along with he help of the matchmaking from his sister.

I remember one instance of a set up his sister arranged for us, and at the time I got so upset that she had gone through with her plan but it worked out in the end. I had an away soccer match one of the first days after I had met C and had already made arrangements to hang out afterwards with my friend. Well she slyly decided to tell me here is C's number in case you cant reach me call him when you get back from you game to be picked up. (See at the time both my brother D and I were driving but only had one car - since I had a soccer game away and took the bus with the team he had the car for work..)

Well I ended up calling C because his sister refused to answer her phone and I couldn't sit around much longer waiting to be picked up. I was so embarrassed and was feeling super shy, but with all these awkward matchmaking plans and my willingness to cave into them brought C and I to where we are today.

When those two weeks ended I felt like they had been a month, a year or even longer. I knew this man was who I was meant to be with, I knew that this was going to be the start of something wonderful, something amazing  something special! We spent the next 8 months of our relationship getting to know each other better and growing together via emails back and forth and  the occasional phone call I would thankfully and luckily receive from Afghanistan....and here we are more than three years and another deployment apart later still more in love than ever with our love growing and getting stronger with each day!

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Now, I know the story may not be the most romantic or a little "short and to the point" but that is how it really happened. Sure there are other details here and there that might be those "aww" sweet moments but in those quick two weeks, and then over the next 8 months apart they were also personal moments and I respect not only myself but the idea and concept of privacy for C and anyone else involved during those times. 

If there are questions about anything that did or didn't happen during the meeting and MATCHMAKING of C and I, I don't mind answering any questions about discrepancy, as I might remind people I wrote this entry to set the record straight because of the lie and falsified information on how C and I became a couple. 

Anyone who trulystory of how C and I met or got together did not happen because set out to "hit on," "seduce," or "hook up" with the man I am with and the man that I love, nor would I engage in that kind of activity or "man hunting." However, there are some people don't want to admit and take responsibility for their actions and the role they partook in bringing C and I together. 

I love this man, I will always love this man. AND regardless of if others want to spread lies about us, or "hate" us for some unknown reason or don't want to support our love for one another is not going to stop us from having a life of our own. I just want people to know the TRUTH, especially when I know there has been misguidance involving the story about mine and C's relationship.

.::.A Second Memorial Day.::.

This story begins much earlier than last week when a good friend shared a link with me on facebook about a fallen Marine and the expected protest by Westboro Baptist Church members at his funeral. The talk was to get a group together to go in support, but literally I wasn't sure if I would go until I woke up on Monday morning. I felt selfish for not jumping at the opportunity to go in support and though  I wasn't sure about going still, all I could think about was Sgt. Kevin B Balduf, and his family, children and, wife who were left behind.

Yesterday, a fallen Marine,  Sgt. Kevin Balduf was remembered by his family, friends, and strangers from across the country, at Woodmont Church in Nashville, TN. 

My day started catching a  Rural Metro ambulances serving as a shuttle bus between the fairgrounds (for parking) and the church. Outside the church a couple thousand individuals who didn't know this young hero still gathered in his honor. Yesterday there were only Americans on those church grounds no one saw gender, race, religion just true Red, White and Blue AMERICANs. This was the day we all had something in common; What did we have in common?

We had flags and American Pride. Big flags, little flags, middle sized flags. Flags on shirts, hats, bikes, cars, taped to ambulance antennas and we bonded on the feeling that this was where we had to be. Our being there was, in part, due to the threat the well known (for not so popular reasons) Westboro Baptist Church. We were not there to cause a fight, although many of us had boiling blood running through our veins; but because Kevin's family needed our love and our protection and Kevin's family still needed to know he was appreciated, respected and honored for his ultimate sacrifice.

I expected to spend a day planning to be hot, tired, and sweaty. What I didn't expect was to have what seemed like dozens of Marines walking up and down the lines, shaking everyone's hand and saying thank you to the "ordinary citizens". I didn't expect to see Kevin's family and friends walking down the long lines and among the groups of supporters shaking thier hands with each person and saying "Thank you for beng here"

Everyone was sharing water and lunches back and forth. It absolutely was an atmosphere where if an issue came up, the only response on everyone's lips was "What can I do to help?" There were lots of kids present, but not one meltdown. It was like a Sunday afternoon at a big family reunion with all the family hanging out and visiting. The whole atmosphere was one of calm, dedication and purpose paired with love and cheerfulness.

 Around 1pm you could hear motorcycles in the distance and before you knew it there were 300+ motorcycles pulling up to help with the counter protest. This is also about the time traffic starts coming to a stop in both directions from people rubber necking and even a few pulling over to ask what was going on. Around 2pm word was getting out that WBC were on the way to the small section the city granted them for a 45 minute protest permit. Upon the arrival of the like the 3 people from WBC who managed to show up I contemplated following the crowd going to confront these people (mostly our of curiosity to see these people first hand) or stay where I was. As I walked up to where the crowd was gathering my heart started to race and my anger started to surface. I'm not sure what I was expecting to see (and in a crowd where I'm like barely 5'3 it was hard to see) but when I finally saw them it all I felt was anger and somewhat of a surprise. All that had shown up from Westboro was two older women and a young teenage boy to spread their hatred.  Also, to my surprise was their "protest," they didn't speak, just held their signs and disappeared almost as quickly as they showed up. 

During this gathering someone started shouting USA USA USA! Which then of course turned into a full blown chorus of everyone in the area joining in  with the bikes joining in with revving their engines just a few feet away. All pushing toward one goal. To let them know that when you come to Nashville to protest against one of our own you had better bring your "a game." As true Americans should we take care of our own. Once they were gone people started to file back to their respective spots on the roads and started to wave their flags again.

As an proud American, as sister to a new Marine, and the lucky girlfriend of an American Soldier and I am happy to say and feel absolutely proud to have been a very small part of a very big effort.

This is ME

If you don't like what I have to say - then don't read it...

This blog is MINE. I write here because it is my outlet. I don't write for anyone else but myself. I choose to leave this blog public for those who wish to read it because they are interested in something I might happen to write about. I don't write and leave it public for intentional offense or to direct anything at anyone. These are my thoughts pure, raw, and uncut.

If you do not like what I have to write about, or if you are offended by anything I write about then simply don't read my blog. I will not now, nor ever, apologize for being myself. If you are going to be paranoid or think everything I write is about you or someone you know, and then you feel a need to comment on such stuff - again the simple solution is to not read my blog.

This is my space, and this is my outlet for me -- no one else. If you have a genuine interest in what I might happen to say from time to time then great, you are more than welcome to enjoy my blog. If you are reading to get riled up, or to stalk what my thoughts and opinions are -- only to assume they are about you or someone else you know then -> the choice to read is yours. I can't make you stop reading just like I'm not gonna stop writing because you don't support or agree with my statement/opinions/feelings. That isn't my problem it happens to be yours and only yours.

Thanks.

Can anyone explain?

So I am just curious if this doesn't make sense to anyone else..

How does someone tell you they no longer can be your friend on facebook because they don't wanna see what groups you like or approve/want to see some of the things in your statuses? 

((EXAMPLE song lyrics which had the word "hell" in it))

But then that same person can send out an email with such colorful language as this:

"That's right bitch it's real!"

"dumb ass"

"this shit anymore."

"Leave me the hell alone"

"I am fed up with your bullshit and will not tolerate it anymore" <--- this is particularly interesting since I tried civilly speaking with this individual about 8 months ago and got no response and until this little wack-out hadn't heard a thing from them or interacted with them .. so I'm unsure of "my BS" they are referring to..?

I mean is it just me or does that seem a bit hypocritical? Don't get me wrong here, I could care less if you want to be my facebook friend, or my friend in real life - that decision is yours I'm gonna be my real self either way. This isn't a post about "facebook" and being too attached to it - but to shine light on the absolute "fakeness" of people when they hide behind a computer screen and social networking sites.

I've touched on hypocrisy and my feelings about it before, but usually people don't blatantly provide such a clear example and proof? 

I mean don't be so against something and so anti-something and then turn around do the same things you just  condemned someone for?!

Some people just will never be able to show their true colors without finding themselves in lies and hypocritical acts - that much is obvious. I just don't get it - are you going to practice what you preach or preach what you don't practice because you know all the right things to say but don't know how to live that way?

...and you call yourself a christian...

dr. jekyll & MRS. hyde

DISCLAIMER: I am not a doctor, so what I have to say is not intended to diagnose or treat any certain individual(s); however, I am studying Psychology at a UNIVERSITY working towards obtaining an actual 4-year  college degree. Yes, that's right; whether you choose to believe it or not just because it takes you 4 years to complete a program at a community college does not mean you can actually posses a bachelor's degree when you finally graduate - community colleges do NOT have four-year degree programs.. SORRY!!

& back to my point, I am not saying I am qualified to diagnose, but I am qualified to know and understand what I am talking about....

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Borderline personality disorder

Borderline personality disorder is a condition in which people have long-term patterns of unstable or turbulent emotions, such as feelings about themselves and others.

These inner experiences often cause them to take impulsive actions and have chaotic relationships. [such as ending relationships abruptly for no actual reason]

Causes, incidence, and risk factors

The causes of borderline personality disorder (BPD) are unknown. Genetic, family, and social factors are thought to play roles.

Risk factors for BPD include:

Abandonment in childhood or adolescence

Disrupted family life

Poor communication in the family

This personality disorder tends to occur more often in women.

Symptoms

People with BPD are often uncertain about their identity. As a result, their interests and values may change rapidly. [and often]

People with BPD also tend to see things in terms of extremes, such as either all good or all bad. [there are no grey areas in life and they tend to constantly switch sides and views on social, moral, religious and political issues] Their views of other people may change quickly. [and often; even switching between individuals they hate then like again ] A person who is looked up to one day may be looked down on the next day. These suddenly shifting feelings often lead to intense and unstable relationships.

Other symptoms of BPD include:

Fear of being abandoned

Feelings of emptiness and boredom [usually blamed on other people for not being interested enough in their life]

Frequent displays of inappropriate anger [often at other people, deciding to hate or dislike them with no incident or real reason besides what is conjured in their own head]

Intolerance of being alone [always has to find someone to fill that "best friend" role and demands much attention and time to qualify being a good friend but not giving any of that "best friend-ness" back in return]

Treatment

[like alcohol or drug addiction the first step is acceptance because first reactions on learning about their issue is going to be denial...] Many types of individual talk therapy, such as dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT), can successfully treat BPD.In some cases, medications can help level mood swings and treat depression or other disorders that may occur with this condition.

Expectations (prognosis)

The outlook depends on how severe the condition is and whether the person is willing to accept help. With long-term talk therapy, the person will often gradually improve.

Complications

Problems with work, family, and social relationships

Depression

References

1. Blais MA, Smallwood P, Groves JE, Rivas-Vazquez RA. Personality and personality disorders. In: Stern TA, Rosenbaum JF, Fava M, Biederman J, Rauch SL, eds. Massachusetts General Hospital Comprehensive Clinical Psychiatry. 1st ed. Philadelphia, Pa: Mosby Elsevier;2008:chap 39.

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Now I am not making light of or making fun of this issue or disease or condition - it is serious and it is legit and it tears people's lives apart those with it and those affected by it...

Does it sound like anyone you know? Yeah, sounds like someone I know, and I actually have a lot of sympathy and sadness for such individuals. I hate knowing they need help and that by denying a problem they are utilmately responsible for the demise of their relationships whether they are friendships or partnered relationships. The reason they will always face this issues in life is because of the two extreme ends of personality - there is no set time period for one extreme and these individuals will switch between the two without even knowing it so one day after they think life is looking up and everything is perfect and working out they wake up and are miserable and depressed again. They can't figure out why their friendships or relationships aren't working...

What's worse is when people have tried to reach out and help or offer/suggest they get help before they enter this other emtoional extreme. But then before they can admit there is something wrong they wake up one day and decide that this person who cared about them and only wanted what was best for them, someone who genuinely was trying to help them feel better was no longer a good friend to them.

You think it can't get worse than that either until this person starts realizing what they have done - but it's easier to listen to lies or make up lies to believe so they never have to encounter any guilts or admit that maybe this person they have decided to hate so intensely isn't the bad guy. Are they perfect and flawless - no I have made mistakes and I have my faults but I own them and welcome them. I don't set out to spread lies about someone else - I don't try to recruit others to hate me as well - and I especially don't set out to try and influence the opinions of those who don't actually know me. I don't try to convince others or my family to not like someone just because I choose to think of them or treat them worst than dirt...

So whose worse? Those who spread the lies and spend their free time trashing my name, or those who choose to believe it even after no bad experiences in my presence (and knowing who I am but choosing to listen to others than themselves and what they know to be true) and those who choose to believe things about another person not even personally knowing me...

I don't know, and in the long run I don't really care because I know and have confidence that I am staying true to myself. 

I don't hide anything I do. I don't act any differently with people around me as I would alone or behind closed doors. I don't lie to my friends. I don't lie to my family. I don't sugar coat my thoughts or opinions. I will welcome confrontation and if you are going to confront me then be that adult you claim to be in approaching me and don't get others to try calling or texting me and doing your dirty work. - I am real and I am ME. I find that is usually what most people don't like and I am not going to change who I am to please ANYONE. If you accept me for who I am then great - if you don't then that is your choice. 

Oh, and also don't ever assume you know what I am doing and or thinking .. don't tell me "you know what I wanted to talk about" because last time I checked .. i don't read minds and you can't read mine either. Assuming things just make you look stupid (dumb) and immature.... 

Freedom..

"Man is free at the moment he wishes [chooses] to be." — Voltaire

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I was flipping through the TV channels the other day and came across an episode of America's Next Top Model. Now, I have never been a big fan of the show, or watched it on a regular basis, but usually it was the only thing to watch on days where I would stay home sick from school, or there would be special marathons so I would watch it from time to time. For all the trashy "reality" shows that are on now-a-days I don't find this one to be quite as bad in most aspects.

So let me preface a little; this particular episode was the first episode of this particular season after the contestants were narrowed down to 14, and thus began challenges and photo shoots. Well, the photo shoot for this episode had to do with bullying. Specifically it was a focus on and aiming to target bullying within schools and that bullying is the number one leading cause of suicide among America's teens and young adults. The task for this photo shoot was for each girl to pick out a word or name that they were bullied by when they were younger, bringing back painful memories of when they were bullied and teased and you saw a lot of raw emotion and left over pain from someones childhood. However, with the choice of these bullying words, the girls also had to find their "strong word" - or the contrast to a word which pained them for years

The thing is, most people, even those who bully others, have at some point been hurt or bullied by other's words and actions. What gets me is especially when those who have felt such pain and know what it's like still turn around and will bully others or try to tear people down. How does someone know and have lived with such raw emotional pain sometimes taking a physical effect or toll on them and then turn around and do that to others? Do they not remember how much it hurt them, and if so then why would you ever wish such pain to be inflicted on someone else? I saw on a friend's profile the other day: "If people are trying to bring you down, that only means that you are above them." - LOVE IT.

Everyone always tries to say how if someone is making fun of you, or picking on you, or being mean/hating/disliking you for no apparent reason, [[especially when they can't even give a reason for such deep rooted hate when someone asks specifically what your issue with them is]] that is is a result of jealousy. While I don't think that "jealousy" is the most correct term I do agree with the quote that the reason they do such things is because they are unhappy in their own lives, and they see you rise above them, above their hate and cruelty towards your or others and so they try to disguise it in whichever way they can.

I have been thankful and appreciative that I was blessed with discernment and the ability to see through people's facades. It has helped me out much and even if I didn't pick up on anything right away after the fact I have always realized why I carried and funny feeling with me through a relationship or experience...

..but back to where I was heading with the bulling words and then the alternate positive word these aspiring models were asked to choose - - one of the positive word chosen by a specific individual was: FREE.

In terms of bullying or even life in general how liberating is such a word? We live in America where "freedom" is what we advertise - but being free is so much more than that. To have the freedom to be yourself without reservation, and to be free from the worlds hatred and those who spend the majority of their free time and lives trying to degrade you, or harm you whether it be emotionally or physically.

Being FREE in yourself and knowing that you are so much more than what others might think or say about you is such closure when you feel you've hit nothing but defeat your entire life...Most recently in my life have I finally felt like I am free to be me; and free to go where God has destined me to go. I have been granted such peace and assurance in my own personal freedom lately and it is truly inspiring. I hope that everyone - someday will be able to be free in their own way and experience the joy which comes with it! I am so glad to finally be free...

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GO & BE FREE

Blocked...

I know it has been a bit since I last posted....

I went home for a 4-day weekend in NC, for my mom's Master's Graduation and to see some friends and family whom I haven't seen in months! It was a busy and packed weekend, but it was still enjoyable - minus the drive of course. Usually I have never minded the drive between Clarksville and Winston Salem, but this go-round I really had my butt kicked!

I don't have much to say in this particular post, but I have had lots of thoughts, brainstorms, and soapboxes since my last entry and I'm sure I'll get to those here in a couple days or so, but I have had one instances or thing on my mind that just has been bugging a tiny-weenie but more than others and that's, "blocked" phone calls.

SERIOUSLY? I mean the only reason people ever block calls anymore is in the hope that someone will pick up. Well here's a clue to some of ya'll special people:

a)most of the time, people will still know who it is trying to call so why block your number?
      **I mean do you really think you can be successful calling to harass someone but then don't have the balls to leave your number on caller id!!? Your lucky if they will even pick up to see what you have to say, let alone like they would ever call you back. Your chances of your phone call going unanswered are even greater if it come's up as "blocked" on caller ID rather than just let your number through.

b)do you really have nothing better to do, or so much extra time that you need to send blocked calls out to someone multiple times a week in the hopes that they will eventually answer.
     **Heck, if you really want to talk to someone and they aren't answering you might as well leave a VM from your "blocked" number so at least you can get what you need to say off your chest!


I just don't understand the need for all this hiding people do today behind phones, and faux emails or behind their computer screens. If you have something to say, come out and say it, or if you're going to say/threaten it via a computer or something else at least have  the guts to follow through in the real world!! Stop wasting your time on petty little things like wasting time trying to get someone to answer their phone with a blocked number. ESPECIALLY when you are someone they want nothing to do with ever again..I guess some people just can't get the message through they think mush in their head they actually believe is a brain they know how to utilize!

Just because you are unhappy, or wish you could have things differently, or change the past or whatever doesn't mean everyone else has the same regrets in their life. You made your bed now grow up, suck it up, and sleep on it! Leave other people alone, and just get over yourself!!

Cold Hard Truths..

I write with freedom from guilt. What I write here is truth, & relative to my life. Everything comes from deep within my heart and that which bears on it and my head alone. No alterior motives & no hidden messages...

kMc

I'm Coming Home....

Well not permanently! Haha I am excited to be making a trip to good 'ole Winston Salem this upcoming weekend to visit friends and family and watch my mom graduate with her master's degree!! I am looking forward to seeing everyone and especially hopeful to see my one btothe whom I haven't seen since November 2010 when he left for the Marines.

Not much else to tell for now but I have lots of plans as well as some free time so overall I think it will be a great long weekend and I'm sure will have Plebty to share after I get back home to Clarksville.

Can't wait!!

You're Not That Innocent...

Funny how quickly and often people judge others. Those who tend to judge the most, are those who claim to live a Christian life, are those who try SO hard and think they lead such a great witness....

I truly believe when we as Christians, or even just as people stay true to who we are and what we believe we will be more happy than trying to play this game figuring out what we have to do in order to be "who we are suppose to be." Do we know where we're suppose to end up? No. Do we always know who we are meant to be or what we are to do with our lives? No. So while we have those periods of time in our lives where we try to figure out who to be, where to go, what to do - there is no need to over analyze or get dramatic about it all. Quite frankly, those I know who tend to go overboard on analyzing ever little daily event in their lives are the ones who end up living in secrets and lies, disguising who they really are from family, their closest friends, and definitely the world. Because heaven forbid if anyone were to find out who they really were or what they have really done behind closed doors and when they think no one else it watching or knows....

...dirty little secrets.

Everyone has them, or has had one at some point in their life. And no one is perfect, especially not Christians. But even only being partially truthful still constitutes lying or if you disagree with "lying" it's still being deceiving.

The kicker here for me is how these kinds of people can be so quick to judge and then go out and do the same crap, justifying it or not, especially when they have the nerve to call someone out on perhaps poor judgement or a mistake, or even end a friendship over arguments or actions disagreed with but then turn around and look the other way when someone else does the same things.
And this person feels they hold some type of entitlment to choose which person to forgive and which to cast aside...like they hold some special authority on who deserves forgiveness and second chances; they think they have never played into fault so they like to play the "i forgive you but we cant be friends" crap but unconditionally forgive, support and standby someone who they again feel they hold the authority to judge on if this individual has truly changed their ways... well thanks for that great Christian witness...or really lack thereof.
Hypocrisy - it disgusts me beyond words. I am repulsed by it being slapped around consistently in society especially when those who are the biggest hypocrites are the ones who loudly announce and program to be Christians. And people wonder why Christians have such a bad rap... ^^this was just one of thousands of examples of "Proud Christians" - those who believe they are better than the next person and are granted this special right and authority to be worldly judges. As much as it angers me, I have the comfort in knowing they will one day be responsible to answer for the actions and judgements they continue to pass on earth....

Changes...

Yesterday, I have to admit was a pretty productive day. After my morning hours for the Y I got home and go ready to hit the road with my other half for Nashville/Franklin TN. I only had a very small window of time for - car shopping.

A little background - I bought my first car on my own last year and really didn't have anyone local (or in the country) With car knowledge willing to help me out despite me asking for it. It was (and still is) a great first car, but not the most practical for me working full time as oppose to maybe a high school student and new driver. I had a Honda Civic 2 Door Coupe and with a dog, well now two dogs and with the things I have to carry back and forth for work it was more of a hassle than convenience to have my car. Also even though there were on 67,000ish miles on my car, because of the year it was made, the longer I held onto it, the more upside down it might make me to try and trade it in and finance a newer car. Thus began my search.

I knew I wanted to upgrade to a four-door sedan. I was pretty stuck on just wanting to find a newer model used Civic, but with more research and a little push and insight from the man I opened up to other type of cars within the same class. These were my restrictions; no red gold/tan exterior, less than 50,000 miles, 2006-7 or newer, less than $19,000 and good fuel economy. Pretty strict, but reasonable and realistic. My goal was to find a car I would be comfortable with for more longer terms and that I could more than likely pay off within a decent time frame. I started my research and searching online, partly because i didn't, and still wouldn't have the time to go dealership to dealership and was informed it would be best to purchase fr the Nashville area to cut down on the chance of being ripped off...which 45-50+ miles away depending on dealership location was definitely not feasible for frequent visits. Last weekend we went out to Nashville to search some and check out a couple of the cars I found online; and even after finding one well within my preferred price range for financing along with a very generous appraisal on my current car I decided to go for it - it was a no go. I tried not to be so discouraged or upset, I had a feeling this particular used dealership would be hard to work with because they limit their financing relationship to four banks/companies but I loved the car I had found - I thought it's perfect the color, the make and model, the mileage, THE PRICE was outstanding for this particular car - but just like every aspect of life, all happens for reasons unknown to us at the time but those reasons are revealed to us later...

So after deciding I would just wait it out and take a break it was only a couple days later C saw a commercial on TV for a new dealership offering even more for any trade-ins than what my car was appraised at. I spent the next day or so looking and requesting information on a few used mods of different cars but after talking directly with a sale individual on the phone he convinced me to check out the new 2011 models of their cars in the same class as what I was searching for. I said I would check it out and he was sending me some web links to learn more as well. Your thinking - how in the heck can a brand new car still fit within my price range?? Well I was surprised as well and nervous because even just three years ago I wouldn't have considered this car even C said before he wouldn't consider the car but was very impressed at the advances and improvements and it was a good car. I was shocked - he used to
call these cars pure trash and now he was suggesting we test drive one and check it out.

So that's just what we did, and after an extremely impressive test drive as well as learning about the car and cool features and mpg ect...I decided to let them appraise my car and see what the numbers were and make a decision from there - to wrap up a long story I drove off the lot in a brand new Black 2011 Kia Forte with 15 miles on the odometer.

I am very pleased and satisfied with the car we found, and I'm confident it will be worth the investment. I know in years last Kia has been considered "crap" for lack of a better word, but the new Kias have been rebuilt and redesigned to be much better car. We actually learned that the designer for the Kia Forte used to work in Audi's design department, and I am quite impressed with the results for an economical and affordable car now on the market.

The ride home in my new car was pleasant and enjoyable despite me racing the clock for work.

And to end my day, after my afternoon shift I came home, we ran an errand to petsmart, I came home and made some dinner then fell asleep by 9pm ... I was bummed later cause I had stuff I planned to do before bed but I guess that will now just be all on today's to-do list.

...be mindful and respectful; an acceptance of an apology doesn't grant trust, don't over step too soon. Some things might still be raw with lots of skepticism..but just as the title I believe people can change if they truly choose to...


<3