...2010 was a very plain year for me - or so it seemed. In reality however, I have been able to reflect and learn a whole lot about myself, about life and how I am growing as a daughter, sister, lover, and just simply for myself.
The beginning of my year of course included the military for the first four months of 2010. I loved it, and I miss it. Ask me then, ask anyone then as we were completely engulfed in such an experience - with little to none, very restrictive communication to the outside world - and we'd tell you there were times we hated and wanted to quit. Believe me, I thought more times than not, that is what I wanted. Looking back, I can't say I regret how things turned out, but I am somewhat disappointed they didn't turn out as planned. I thought I had found the perfect path to keep me on track for where I wanted to go, and what I wanted to do and make out of my life, and now the desires are still there for the career choice I desire, but the path to get there - well that is still unclear to me, but I did learn to live my life with no big expectations, to take each day as it is thrown at me, and enjoy the ride life has. I don't take my days for granted, though at times it may seem I might, but I came home not a "different" person, but an improved individual who knows who she is, and knows what she wants out of life . The experiences I had, the unbreakable bonds I made will be with me for the rest of my life, even if in the end I remain a spectator and supporter of the United States military rather than a participant. For now I cherish the memories and lessons I brought out of my experience, wouldn't change it for the world, and will just have to see where I end up.
I continued my year with both pain and blessings. I was blessed to have a better, new job upon my return to NC, and was able to purchase my first car. While I'll admit the job I gained, and still hold is not one I thoroughly enjoy at all, it was not what I expected, but I am grateful to have a job, and I work my tail of for where I am and lucky to have what I have. I also was in my first theatrical production where I met some awesome people and I was a featured soloist, and I got my first tattoo!
As for the pain I learned the hard way that no matter what people tell you, no matter how much you trust someone with your most deep and sometimes painful secrets, they are going to fail you. I truly envy people who have healthy and strong friendships with others - that appear so perfect and unbreakable because I have really been unlucky in that department of life. Most people might think I sit here and ask myself, "what's wrong with me?" but the truth is, I don't. Someone very special and dear to me pointed out that it's not anything I'm doing wrong that has perhaps gotten me feeling like my friendships fail, and it's not even the excuse that "we just grow apart" the truth of the matter is I seem to surround myself with individuals who have found and take advantage of my own personal weakness and instead of being confident and strong in my individuality I will bend over backwards for those I love and care about, those who I truly believe are my friends, my "best" friends no matter how many times they've stabbed me in the back before. It's not that I don't have a back bone, anyone who knows me knows I won't let anyone walk all over me - but I'm just so willing to turn the other cheek and ignore blatant manipulation. I always want to give the benefit of the doubt, I always want to find the good in people. **Reality Check:: not everyone is good. I had to learn the hard way, but again it's a lesson I cherish. I don't regret the experience and I don't dwell on the memories with these individuals good or bad. I have moved on, and let go - and let me tell you what, it has been a very refreshing and therapeutic experience - one I have needed in my life!
I have also learned that this world is not black and white, at least the world I live in. Some may argue with me and that is fine, those are your beliefs but I believe in the gray areas of life. Sure, don't get me wrong, there are the obvious black and white aspects - the "right and wrong" of society, but when broken down to an individual level some personal life decisions, while they may not be right for some individuals, they might be the perfect decision for someone else. I am not you, I am me, and I am proud of that. So please, let me make my OWN decisions, please let me make my OWN mistakes. It's not that I don't appreciate other's advice or life experiences - but that's exactly the point. They were YOUR mistakes, it's YOUR opinion; just because it was right or worked for YOU does not mean that it is going to work or be right for ME. I believe God gave us the freedom of choice for a purpose. He didn't want, and doesn't expect us to all be his little robots.
For now, that's what I have to share, but my journey isn't over, life is constantly happening so stay tuned:
..to be continued...
